Alrights.

Let's start from yesterday since I haven't updated yet due to being busy with some stuff...

Heard that Mr Quah is more than critically ill and that there's nothing anyone can do anymore except to make him comfortable...when I heard that, I was just...stunned. I didn't know what to say and, suddenly, I just felt like crying and crying and crying..

Except that I couldn't because there were so many people around me..

It seems like death is here, one after another...Grandpa's death has left me a big impact..one other member of my family died as well, can't remember who and now, he's dying...

And all we can do is pray that he will have the courage in the last moments..I feel so helpless. It's just like the times when I tried so hard to make a girl stop hyperventilating..all I can do is sit there and assure her and tell her what to do and see her face turning blue every moment..it's been two years yet I'm still thinking about it.

Oh wells. Today, did a lot of thinking..and you know, I realize I've been foolish because there are so many people who loved me and yet I'm trying to get love from someone who will probably never ever give me any. I mean, why did I waste my time on that? For the whole day, felt so so lonely and all...so I did a lot a lot of praying today...

And you know, prayers are very powerful. And when you pray, you can feel His presence here. Though maybe not at first but slowly...

Anyway, it's near midnight now. Shall go off, don't want to say too much here..

- #67

//Hey, did you read Mei Yi's blog? I hope you did...well, I'll be honest. I was pretty hurt when I saw your wrist. I mean, we've been through this haven't we? I've been telling you, don't do it, don't do it. But why did you break your promise and resort to the penknife? What good does it do? And you know, I've been through this and I've dealt with people who's been through it as well.. I know what to look for and I can spot the signs easily, not only that, I learn first aid and to fool me with your excuses on your wounds, well, it's not gonna work because I've seen wounds before...you cannot fool me that easily girl...

I know what you're going through...because I've been through them before. I know what it feels like to drown in pain and loneliness everyday, to wake up awfully depressed or numb and to pass the time like a zombie, empty and void of emotions..I've been like that for a long long time...and you know, I was really shocked when you were so desperate to get back your penknife...what are you trying to do to yourself? Does hurting yourself solve anything? Does being an anti-social solve anything? You can wear masks daily to school but let me tell you this: One day, you will break down.

You know there are people who care, who will be hurt by your actions...why didn't you turn to these people beside you? By hurting yourself and thus hurting others, aren't you being selfish? Ok, so maybe my words are harsh here. But the reality is this: You've got to face your problems. I'm not saying you oughtn't cry and feel hurt, you've got every right to cry and feel hurt. But you must also pick yourself up, no one's gonna heal you but yourself and no one's gonna help you when you don't accept their help and help yourself. And don't be too sensitive and narrow minded. Learn to open up and accept criticisms and in turn, use criticisms to reflect on your behaviour. No one's perfect but we can strive to be close to perfect, can't we? It's not impossible..use your pain to be your strength, learn from every obstacle you face...every time you cry, you have the choice to become stronger or just stay surrounded in sadness...

There are other ways to let off your pain, don't resort to the knife..talking is one way, writing, singing, dancing, even eating or doing excercise...there are so many other ways to make you feel better without hurting yourself further...use them. Don't go to the penknife though there are times when you feel the physical pain can't even cover up the internal ones but is the best choice then doing other things...

And do seek help for yourself. It's not too late..however, by closing yourself up and rejecting who you are, by degrading yourself and lowering your self-esteem and confidence, well..how can anyone help you, love you, care for you when you yourself don't help or love or care for yourself. If you have no self-respect, how can you respect others then?

I hope you do reflect after reading all this stuff...you may fall, be broken and confused and lost now...but rest assured, at your darkest moments, that's when dawn is coming...look forward to it and always remember that hardships are placed there so that you can learn from it, appreciate things better and altogether, be stronger for the next obstacle to come..you'll find life is actually very meaningful and exciting with every turns and corners..though just remember this: When you feel the world hates you, look again and you'll find that actually you are the one hating the world...and if you ever come to a dead end, know that I'm here always to support you and help you. Not only me but all the other people too, like Si Hui, Carlene, Mei Yi etc..we are all here to help you, who cares if you're 2 years younger than us?

Talk to me anytime you want yarh? I'm never too busy to be a listening ear..take care girl and smile always!^^ //